Inadvertently Drunk
Last night, more than halfway through that bottle of scotch, I realized I was doing it again. Somehow giving advice on relationships, even though I'm completely dysfunctional. But I saw her making all my own mistakes, and realized that this was what my friends had been trying to tell me three years ago, and I had gone ahead and done what I wanted anyways. I tried to explain how hedonism doesn't make us bad people. Outside it slowly stopped raining.
Pouring generous measures into each of our glasses, I watched her heart break a little. I had no solace to offer, nothing to give her but to numb it all. I related my own experiences, wondered how that could possibly help, and retreated back into bitterness. Either way she would get hurt, and either way she would wonder what she had missed. Her only motivation to do the 'right' thing was what might happen to someone else, rather than any internal desire to be good. Shhh, I said, this sort of thing doesn't make us bad people either.
The tales turned from heartache and terrible mistakes towards weakness in the face of love. Have you ever loved someone so much that you would do anything to keep that love? I told her everything I had done, of my deepest weakness, the shame at being so willing to throw everything of myself away. But you're so strong. No. No I am weak, so weak, all I want is love. And how wonderful it would be to fall in love with someone wonderful, and how could she throw that away?
And so, she asked, if you were back at those crossroads with the same decision, knowing that it would be empty in the end to pursue your desires, that you could potentially lose something, or everything, lose the chance to fall in love, what would you do, having already learned the hard way that what you want more than anything in the world can also be your biggest mistake?
I smiled sadly, thinking of his face, and knowing that still now I would do anything, my weakness, my shame. Even knowing it would be empty, in the end. I would choose hedonism, I would choose desire. I would make the same mistake again.
She had tears in her eyes. I knew what she was doing. Held her. I don't want you to learn the hard way, but that is the only way to learn sometimes.
I went the hard way and still haven't learned.
Pouring generous measures into each of our glasses, I watched her heart break a little. I had no solace to offer, nothing to give her but to numb it all. I related my own experiences, wondered how that could possibly help, and retreated back into bitterness. Either way she would get hurt, and either way she would wonder what she had missed. Her only motivation to do the 'right' thing was what might happen to someone else, rather than any internal desire to be good. Shhh, I said, this sort of thing doesn't make us bad people either.
The tales turned from heartache and terrible mistakes towards weakness in the face of love. Have you ever loved someone so much that you would do anything to keep that love? I told her everything I had done, of my deepest weakness, the shame at being so willing to throw everything of myself away. But you're so strong. No. No I am weak, so weak, all I want is love. And how wonderful it would be to fall in love with someone wonderful, and how could she throw that away?
And so, she asked, if you were back at those crossroads with the same decision, knowing that it would be empty in the end to pursue your desires, that you could potentially lose something, or everything, lose the chance to fall in love, what would you do, having already learned the hard way that what you want more than anything in the world can also be your biggest mistake?
I smiled sadly, thinking of his face, and knowing that still now I would do anything, my weakness, my shame. Even knowing it would be empty, in the end. I would choose hedonism, I would choose desire. I would make the same mistake again.
She had tears in her eyes. I knew what she was doing. Held her. I don't want you to learn the hard way, but that is the only way to learn sometimes.
I went the hard way and still haven't learned.
posted by Care | 2:09 PM
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