Some thoughts
Spontaneous generation of thoughts, and who can blame me, facing the Longest Essay and another without a topic, an awareness of time here exacerbated by ten year old music that I swear I heard just yesterday, sitting upstairs at Jessica's house, in her blue sponge-painted room (remember when sponge painting was all the rage?) poring over Seventeen magazine and her bottomless makeup bag, painting our nails to match the walls, listening to angry post-grunge rock. Wow.
Here I am thinking, how I wish I knew another languague. How I wish I had written this essay last week, even though essays are rolling and some day it will be written, some day soon I hope. A part of me wants to heed the advice and just start. So perhaps in a few minutes I will suck it up, for now I am going to let fear rule a little while longer. Why fear? Because I am afraid of starting this paper, my first proper work in almost a year, and failing. So fear of failure? Yeah? What are you going to do about it. Nothing. Sure, sleep looks really good right about now, a nice afternoon nap. Top it off ladies, top it off. Oh lord I'm incoherent.
Onto the real stuff? Oh there's never anything real. The buzzer goes and my vegetables arrive, more potatoes, and I'm thinking how can I cook more potatoes, and considering substituting the rice today for potatoes, but thinking that the recipe might not hold. I am really enjoying all of this cooking, hoping to find someone else to come for dinner tonight as well. Thinking about the Madman, thinking how inconvenient it would be to fall for him, but secretly wishing I would, knowing I will not. Wondering where I will be next year, whether I will choose to stay, disturbingly hoping that I can find a way to stick around, but feeling too overwhelmed to try. Generally, generally some sort of panicked lethargy has swept over me, the cold in the air and the stagnation of my academic efforts, that I finally fell into routine.
And those, those are the thoughts that sprang to me while I was reading, while I was pondering essays and my lack of thought. Neurons firing out of time.
Here I am thinking, how I wish I knew another languague. How I wish I had written this essay last week, even though essays are rolling and some day it will be written, some day soon I hope. A part of me wants to heed the advice and just start. So perhaps in a few minutes I will suck it up, for now I am going to let fear rule a little while longer. Why fear? Because I am afraid of starting this paper, my first proper work in almost a year, and failing. So fear of failure? Yeah? What are you going to do about it. Nothing. Sure, sleep looks really good right about now, a nice afternoon nap. Top it off ladies, top it off. Oh lord I'm incoherent.
Onto the real stuff? Oh there's never anything real. The buzzer goes and my vegetables arrive, more potatoes, and I'm thinking how can I cook more potatoes, and considering substituting the rice today for potatoes, but thinking that the recipe might not hold. I am really enjoying all of this cooking, hoping to find someone else to come for dinner tonight as well. Thinking about the Madman, thinking how inconvenient it would be to fall for him, but secretly wishing I would, knowing I will not. Wondering where I will be next year, whether I will choose to stay, disturbingly hoping that I can find a way to stick around, but feeling too overwhelmed to try. Generally, generally some sort of panicked lethargy has swept over me, the cold in the air and the stagnation of my academic efforts, that I finally fell into routine.
And those, those are the thoughts that sprang to me while I was reading, while I was pondering essays and my lack of thought. Neurons firing out of time.
posted by Care | 2:32 PM
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