And still I'm not posting frequently as I used to, something about time these days and not knowing what to say. Fearfully falling for someone and fearing the end of all this. Such a rush of a year, shot through with rain and sunshine, counting on one hand the number of times I cried, and not once wanting it to end.

A few days ago I sat with him silently, then breathed quietly, trying to explain how disjointed this all felt and how terrified I was. Jokes about cardboard boxes lined with plastic bags to keep out the rain, but inside I shivered, my skin suddenly wet and cold, the breathless rush of the unknown. I haven't changed my plans since I started to fall for him, but now everything has a new kind of pressure. Before it was my own desire to stay, now it is my desire to stay for more than just potential. Knowledge of losing something concrete as opposed to potential gains.

Today I am starting to wrap all this up. Tonight I will start to cram it together into coherence, and tomorrow I let go of my dissertation for a few weeks and review the year. Academics cannot begin to review all the new. No matter where I end up in a few months time, I will always have Oxford on the soles of my shoes.