Shaken
I am shaken pretty deeply right now, unsure if any of this will make proper sense. And without divulging what has happened it might be difficult to express what I'm feeling. The things I do for trust, and the things I might do to betray it.
First of all I really like him, in that goofy smile don't want to fuck it up kind of way. And god what happened tonight makes me terrified that I will lose him for no good reason. That gossip and inane chatter, that people who have no idea of me are going to take him away from me. And the silence in that voice that tells me that I am good enough to deserve him. The loud arguments from the voice that tells me how horrible I am, that if he only heard it, found out for a second how truly awful I was, then he would leave me. Where does the first voice go? The second being silenced for so long, I knew she was still waiting, hiding somewhere, she never really leaves me. She will never leave me.
The need to call him, to sob, to have him wrap me up so tightly that I could forget all about it. And perhaps that is melodramatic. But some of the longest silences of my life can't be wrong. And all my insecurities come out, as I wait by a silent phone and wonder, within the worst case scenario, why he's not responding to me. Of course its irrational. Of course I'm courting insanity, risking more in becoming consumed by my internal processes than I ever would under normal circumstances. Of course of course of course all of this is true.
And how dare anyone judge me? How dare they tell me that I'm somehow wrong? That my choices are inappropriate and that I act in a socially unacceptable way? Should I panic, should I internalize this as I did so many other voices, when I was young and easily swayed? I can't throw away so many years of progress. Jesus.
These voices spin through me, words upon vague sensations of urgency, a subtle hint of rejection. Classic cocktail of becoming embroiled, too far gone, tethered to an unsteady shore. And as my safety rope frays I shift, between returning to the unpleasant but steady footing I left behind, and continuing into the unknown.
First of all I really like him, in that goofy smile don't want to fuck it up kind of way. And god what happened tonight makes me terrified that I will lose him for no good reason. That gossip and inane chatter, that people who have no idea of me are going to take him away from me. And the silence in that voice that tells me that I am good enough to deserve him. The loud arguments from the voice that tells me how horrible I am, that if he only heard it, found out for a second how truly awful I was, then he would leave me. Where does the first voice go? The second being silenced for so long, I knew she was still waiting, hiding somewhere, she never really leaves me. She will never leave me.
The need to call him, to sob, to have him wrap me up so tightly that I could forget all about it. And perhaps that is melodramatic. But some of the longest silences of my life can't be wrong. And all my insecurities come out, as I wait by a silent phone and wonder, within the worst case scenario, why he's not responding to me. Of course its irrational. Of course I'm courting insanity, risking more in becoming consumed by my internal processes than I ever would under normal circumstances. Of course of course of course all of this is true.
And how dare anyone judge me? How dare they tell me that I'm somehow wrong? That my choices are inappropriate and that I act in a socially unacceptable way? Should I panic, should I internalize this as I did so many other voices, when I was young and easily swayed? I can't throw away so many years of progress. Jesus.
These voices spin through me, words upon vague sensations of urgency, a subtle hint of rejection. Classic cocktail of becoming embroiled, too far gone, tethered to an unsteady shore. And as my safety rope frays I shift, between returning to the unpleasant but steady footing I left behind, and continuing into the unknown.
posted by Care | 7:43 PM
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